


A thousand apologies

by Paintoverthepain



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: 2x12, Angst, Apologies, Drama, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Love, M/M, Malec, Malec fic, episode s02e12, post 2x12
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-02
Updated: 2017-07-02
Packaged: 2018-11-22 05:04:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11373162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Paintoverthepain/pseuds/Paintoverthepain
Summary: Alec is struggling to forgive himself for not believing Magnus after him and Valentine switched bodies. He gets escpecially worried when doesn't hear from Magnus after they parted ways at Magnus' loft. In the meantime, Magnus is struggling to heal after the torture he's been through.





	A thousand apologies

Alec was standing in a clave meeting, unable to focus. His arms were crossed and he had an agitated look on his face, his jaw more tense than usual. He’d forgotten what the meeting was even about. Something along the lines of Valentines escape and a half-hearted “thank you for taking care of Azazel” directed at him. None of that really mattered right now. 

When the meeting finally was over, Alec excused himself off to his bedroom. It felt awfully quiet at the institute. Just thinking about everything that has went down in just a matter of a few days, made Alec walk restlessly back and forth in his room. He kept checking his phone, but even the phone was dead silent. He wasn’t sure whether or not to worry about that. 

After leaving Magnus’ loft earlier that afternoon, he’d felt devastated and full of guilt. When he’d asked Magnus desperately what he could do to fix things, he got no respond. That’s when his heart shattered, because he knew there was nothing he could do to fix the damage that had been done to him. Alec felt disgusted and full of shame for not being able to recognize his own boyfriend in the shape of a ruthless killer. It didn’t make it any better that Magnus couldn’t even look him in the eyes afterwards. Seeing Magnus sitting with his head hanging low made Alec realize how small and vulnerable he looked. All Alec wanted to do was to reach out to his beloved and hold him tight, tell him again and again how sorry he was, but he didn’t dare to touch him in fear of being rejected. Instead, they sat in silence for a while before Magnus had asked for some time alone. 

Alec got no more messages that night, nor any phone calls. All he could do, was wait. That night felt particularly long and lonesome. And little did the young shadowhunter know that not far from the institute, across the street, was a particularly devastated warlock crying away the hours of the night.

The first thing Alec did when he woke up the next morning was to check for any new messages. To his disappointment, the display showed no new missed calls or messages. He was tempted to dial Magnus’ number just to hear his voice, but decided it was best if he didn’t. 

Alec spent all morning in the training area, kicking and hitting away at the punching bag, until he got tired off all the concerned looks from everyone at the institute and hid in his room. His stomach was twisting and he felt a sudden urge to throw up. He decided to take a long shower in hope to get his mind off of all the horrible thoughts that was swirling around in his head.

It was late in the afternoon, and still no sign from Magnus. Alec was getting more worried as time went by, but tried to tell himself that Magnus needed the time alone. The thought didn’t calm him down though. 

Around 6 pm, Alec was getting way too restless to sit still up in his room, so he decided to head out to get some fresh air. As he walked past Jace and the others, he caught them mentioning Magnus’ name, so he stopped and turned around.

“What are you guys talking about?” Alec asked expressionless with his arms crossed over his chest. Jace, Clary and Izzy turned silent as they exchanged looks. Alec raised an eyebrow and stared at each of them. Finally, Jace took a deep breath and looked over at his parabatai. 

“Apparently, there’s been more absurd demon attacks.” Jace said slowly before looking back at Clary and Izzy. Alec remained expressionless as he waited for the rest of the explanation.

“We’re thinking there might be more greater demons on the lookout for the mortal cup.” Clary continued. Still no respond from Alec. Jace got a nervous look in his eyes as he swallowed hard and looked back at Alec.

“We were just talking about… We might need someone to help us with this.” Jace said carefully. Alec knew exactly who they meant by this “someone” and felt anger building up inside.

“And you were thinking about asking Magnus…” Alec said with annoyance in his voice, his eyes glowing with dismay. The other three exchanged looks again before staring back at Alec.

“Alec, we-“ Izzy began to say, but Alec didn’t want to hear it. Instead, he lifted his hand as a sign for her to stop. 

“Unbelievable!” He was shouting now, not caring about who would hear him. The others looked at him with wide eyes. Jace tried to reach for Alec’s arm, but he only shook it off. 

“No! I can’t believe you’re seriously thinking about asking Magnus for help after everything he’s been through, and after everything he’s already done for us!” Alec shouted furiously before he turned around and started walking towards the exit. 

“Alec, wait! Come back!” He heard them shout after him, but he’s had enough. Tears was forcing its way to the surface as he started to run in the direction of Magnus’ loft. 

Time was standing still as Alec tried to gain some courage to knock on the door to the warlock’s loft. He wasn’t sure exactly how long he’d been pacing back and forth outside his door. Maybe ten or fifteen minutes, maybe more. He was trying desperately to calm himself down. What if Magnus didn’t want to see him anymore? What if he just threw the door in his face? He wouldn’t even blame him for it. There was only one way to find out, so he took a deep breath and knocked.

“Magnus? It’s me…” Alec said quietly through the wood of the door, waiting hopefully. His heart was beating with anticipation. 

“May I come in?” He asked pleadingly as he rested his forehead against the door. It was quiet, almost too quiet. Alec was getting a little panicky that something might have happened to him when he didn’t answer, but suddenly he heard a voice coming from inside. 

“You can come in, Alexander.” He heard Magnus say in a low voice. Alec let out a small breath of relief when he finally got a respond. He still called him “Alexander”, so maybe that was a good sign? 

Alec placed his hand on the handle and opened the door. The apartment felt colder and darker in some way. He closed the door behind him and noticed Magnus standing outside on the balcony. The sky was getting cloudy and grey. It looked like it might start raining soon. Alec walked over to stand next to Magnus who was staring out in the distance. For a moment, they just stood quietly watching the many lives below them. There was something peaceful with just admiring the outside world, imagining that just for a second, they were both normal people with normal lives. However, that wasn’t the case at all. They were far from ordinary people. 

“Magnus…” Alec finally broke the silence and let out a deep breath. He wasn’t even sure what to say. Nothing he said would change what had happened. He turned his head towards Magnus who was now looking down at his hands. Alec noticed how he wasn’t wearing any makeup or fancy jewelry, a clear sign that he still wasn’t feeling like himself, and it made his heart ache.

“I’m so sorry…” Was all the words he managed to say and he felt miserable. 

“Don’t…” Magnus’ voice was low, almost like a whisper, and he sounded so wounded. He was shaking his head lightly.

“I don’t want any more apologies.” He finally lifted his eyes and met Alec’s concerned look, but he quickly dropped his gaze again while letting out a small sigh. Alec clenched his jaw and looked down in shame. Magnus knew it wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t anyone’s fault, really. They turned silent for a while before Alec finally turned his whole body towards Magnus to fully face him.

“Magnus, I know how much you’re hurting. And knowing this hurts me, because there’s nothing I can say or do to fix this…” Alec’s voice was clear and strong, despite the fact that he felt like crying at this point. Magnus finally lifted his gaze away from his hands and looked up at the young shadowhunter with a distraught look. Alec took a step closer, but not too close.

“And I also know that any apologies isn’t gonna cut it… But, I need you to hear it anyway. I’m sorry that I didn’t believe you. I’m sorry I didn’t realize sooner what was going on. I’m sorry about all the pain, torment and trauma you had to go through. I’m sorry that it triggered memories in you that you have spent centuries trying to forget. I’m sorry about all the terrible things you have had to deal with because of me. I’m sorry that I ever dragged you into all of this mess…” As Alec kept talking his voice became more and more broken for each apology he mentioned. 

Both of the men was staring at each other with tears in their eyes. Alec paused for a second as a single tear fell down his cheek.

“And I’m sorry if I’ve ever made you feel less worthy. Because you, Magnus Bane, is one of the most dearest people that I am so lucky to have in my life… Therefore I’m not sorry for loving you.” Alec was sobbing now, tears streaming down his face. 

Magnus was in no better condition, his face wet with tears. He quickly stepped closer to Alec, closing the gap between them, and put both of his hands on his face, wiping away some of his tears. Alec closed his eyes and leaned into the touch, having missing the feeling of his warmth.

“Oh Alexander…” Magnus whispered and stared heartbroken at his boyfriend. They both felt miserable and incredibly vulnerable under the pale light of the moon that was shining through the dark clouds. 

“I didn’t want any more apologies because you, of all people, should know that no matter how tough of a situation it is, you never give up on the people that you love… And no matter how difficult times may get, I don’t regret any of it, because everything that has happened, has only led me closer to you.” Magnus held one of his hands under Alec’s chin, forcing him to look up at him, tears streaming down both of their faces. Alec stared longingly into Magnus’ eyes.

“You are the love of my life, Alexander… Which is why it was so difficult for me to see you walk out of that prison cell, not believing it was really me.” Hearing him say that, only broke Alec’s heart into a million pieces. He looked down in shame, not feeling worthy of the gentleness Magnus was giving him. Magnus pulled him closer while gently tightening the grip around his face.

“But I don’t blame you.” He said firmly, again forcing Alec to look up at him. Magnus looked directly into his eyes, making him pay close attention to every word he was about to say.

“You have to believe me when I say that I don’t blame you. What happened wasn’t your fault… None of it. And if you think you have to find a way to redeem yourself to me, you don’t have to. Having you here, is enough for me.” Alec wasn’t sure whether or not he was crying because of relief, or because a big part of him still felt overwhelmed by guilt.

“I love you, so much.” He managed to spell out amongst his sobbing. Magnus finally smiled lovingly, a sort of heartbroken smile, causing Alec’s heart to melt in his chest.

“I love you too, Alexander.” Magnus said before he pulled Alec in for a gentle kiss.

Alec stayed with Magnus that night. They talked for hours, before they ended up sitting in silence, just holding each other close, without saying another word. They didn’t need to. All they needed was each other.

**Author's Note:**

> This episode (2x12) was so devastating and heartbreaking to watch, and I swear it kills me everytime I think about my poor Magnus. 
> 
> PS: Sorry (not sorry) for any spelling/grammar mistakes, english isn't my mother tongue, and this is my very first fic that I've posted publicly, so I'm very self-conscious about my writing.  
> Hope you enjoyed nontheless :D


End file.
